Past vs. Present

Face pressed against the white towel, I breathe deeply, trying to inhale as much salty air as I can before my next. I turn my face to the side and look out at the crystals bouncing on the water's surface, blinking twice to re-adjust my eyes to the sudden increase of light.
This is the moment where I forget last night's happenings and instead focus on where I currently am.
I should have done that this morning, but instead my mind was still locked on the ideas of yesterday. Well, not anymore.


Heat finds me, even though it has to pass through at least two layers of clothing. I smile quietly to myself.
The warmth offered is accepted gratefully, although the possibility of sunburn is rejected politly.
Now, today.

Have you ever heard the saying, that if the body experiences the same thing enough, your body syncs the same actions automatically?
We wake everyday without fail, and most of the time we repeat the same thing we did yesterday. Perhaps a slow stretch and a quick yawn or maybe our face muscles tightening in response to our alarm's loud sharp ring.
Our muscles remember, our bodies remember.
So this already sets us up for fail. Right? I mean if we already wake doing the same thing as yesterday, of course our minds are going to remember the thoughts that followed, and then the experiences witnessed and the experiences in which we participated.
This means that we're already thinking about yesterday instead of what's happening now.
Our past reigns over our future.

Just take time to relax and forget yesterday, for you're already living tomorrow.
Kimberley Doreen x

The Song We Write

The outlandish music playing in the background of every serious moment that happens in life, is created by our focused minds. It's trying to remind us of our current condition, if not the fact that we don't want to be in the situation we're in.
The reason why it's outlandish music, is because it actually manages to grab our attention, even if we simply ask ourselves, "what is that horrid noise". Yes, truth is our thoughts can be sometimes what we hate most about ourselves, because you can never actually silence them.
No matter how many times you re-arrange yourself in preperation for sleep, or how many times you find yourself writing things that don't really capture the way you feel, your thoughts are still there.
The music still plays.

But, that music is soothing. After a while, we stop concentrating on the insistive thud that's meant to be the bass, or the out-of-time eerie bell chime that's meant to make the song what it is, but instead we begin to focus on the lyrical content.
It's often poetic, telling us of what we must do next, reminding us that life goes on, and re-assuring us that we still have faith. It's enough to send us into the relaxed state we're in when we wake, realizing only later that we must have fallen asleep to it.

So as you see, we all actually send ourselves into the depths of sleep.
Although we do it asking questions and answering them, often with-in the same hour if not minute.
When you hear the music play, embrace it. Feel the beat and listen closely to the lyrics, because it's you reminding yourself what you're here for. And how long you have to go.

Kimberley Doreen x

Stop Being Immature and Grow-Up. No.

As you get older, you grow and mature. At least that's what everyone says anyway.
For a long time I fought the growth and refused to accept the fact I was maturing, clinging desperatly onto my old ways of life. I'm too young to grow and mature just yet, after all. But for that time when I was refusing, I was also awakening.
Awakening to everything around me. My new way of life. When I was younger, certain things didn't exist, for the simple reason that I didn't know about them. Ignorance, they call it.
And maybe it was better that way.
I wouldn't know that the pretty stars, are actually just suns.
I wouldn't know about global warming, only that it was getting hotter.
I wouldn't know why we have war, only that people were fighting somewhere.
I wouldn't know how people die, only that God took them.
I wouldn't know about anything that doesn't effect me.
That's what they call selfishness.

I still don't know what it's called.
Perhaps it's called youth.
Kimberley Doreen x

Our Oldies

We didn't understand why they were crying before,
But now our heads are bents to our hands, letting the tears finally run.
The people surrounding us are simply our portrait, framed in the past.
They're playing charades, but they're acting out something we've already found the answer to.
It's not their fault, they're just stuck playing a game we quit a while ago.
Soon they will be where we are now, in the midst of reality. But for now, they can remain in the safe heaven of resistance they have built, and have been led to believe is solid.

Soon they will know, Soon they will know.
Kimberley Doreen x

Tough Questions

There's always those moments in life when we ask ourselves where we are.
Not geographical location of course, for that can be answered pretty much without thought these days due to the advanced technology we use.
But no, instead we refer to our state of mind.
What are your needs, wants? What are you going to do next? Where do you want to go next and how long is the journey there?
These are the questions everyone wants answered so they have clarity or peace of mind. I don't really know the answers to any of these questions. It's that I haven't considered them, for I have on numerous occasions, but I always end up sleeping and forgetting.

I'm hoping my life plans will just fall into place. Maybe I'll be offered a job somewhere, meet a guy, fall in love and so on. I know it's not going to happen though.
I don't live in a fairytale, yet I am the authour of my own. I decide what I get to do in this life. And I have to go out and retrieve it. I'm not going to wait for everything to come to me. How do I know anything even is?
No, I'm going to go do it all myself. Of course I'll always have help and guidence, so that is no issue.

I'm not scared either. That made me laugh. For someone my age not to be frightened of the future or life now is rare. I know people who are well into their 30's and are still scared.
But everyone over 50 are just scared of death. I'm scared of that too. I want to leave my mark first. I want to give people someting to remember.
Perhaps these thoughts aren't enough, but maybe one day they'll be valuable.
I don't know.

And now it's time for me to sleep.
Kimberley Doreen x

Forced Sacrifice.

It's hard to live my life and experience these amazing opportunities being offered to me when I know people who are suffering.
The worst part is, the pain wasn't caused by anyone. It's not something that could've been prevented.
It's just one of life's bullshit happenings. That's all I can call it.

Maybe you could understand if it was happening to someone who deserved it. Who put others through the same amount of pain. Although, it is so wrong to wish bad things upon anyone.

It's really cruel of the world to tease. To show death to someone, then give them back life. Let them believe it's fully theirs again. Let them take back control, let them live it the second time through with a new understanding, then snatch it back.
Shove them in a small bed in a white room and let them lay there. Let them ask what they did wrong. Let them say their good-byes. Allow them to ponder death.
But for the second time.

What's the price?
A home?
A group of friends?
A family?
Because none of those seem to be worth enough.
Not enough for one life.

A hero doesn't have to be fit and strong.
They can be laying in a hospital bed dying.
And still, they save us all.
From our stupidity, from our naivity, from ourselves.

You didn't want to sacrifice yourself.
But you were chosen to.
You saved us.

Kimberley Doreen x

No. I Don't Want to be Beautiful.

The cold irony is that I'm in my bed right now, baggy pajamas, a runny nose and a hot, flushed face.
Hell, I'd give anything to be beautiful at this moment in time.
But then again, that would be such a waste. No one is in the room with me, no one would even see.
So, on that thought, these pajamas are actually quite comfortable.

I'm getting off track.

The thought about not wanting beauty came when I was reading the typical teenage magazine.
Both magazines I have with me now are ones that promote health, well-being and satisfaction with oneself.
So why the hell, when I open to a random page, do the magazines read;
"How to make yourself beautiful"
"Creating a gorgeous new you"
"Fashion that will impress the boys"

I don't want to waste my money on expensive beauty products.
I don't want to ask my mum if I can buy that $300 dress because it enhances my curves.
I don't want to create a new me. I'm happy with myself now.

You are beautiful. And if no one is telling you that, stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself.
(Yes I know, you'll feel like a total moron expecially if you get caught).
Just if you remember anything, remember that. Cause it's true.
Would I ever lie to you?

So no. Perhaps being beautiful isn't for me.
Perhaps I will invest in my future instead.
Or perhaps I will stand in front of my mirror and remind myself, I already am.

Kimberley Doreen x