Our Oldies

We didn't understand why they were crying before,
But now our heads are bents to our hands, letting the tears finally run.
The people surrounding us are simply our portrait, framed in the past.
They're playing charades, but they're acting out something we've already found the answer to.
It's not their fault, they're just stuck playing a game we quit a while ago.
Soon they will be where we are now, in the midst of reality. But for now, they can remain in the safe heaven of resistance they have built, and have been led to believe is solid.

Soon they will know, Soon they will know.
Kimberley Doreen x

Tough Questions

There's always those moments in life when we ask ourselves where we are.
Not geographical location of course, for that can be answered pretty much without thought these days due to the advanced technology we use.
But no, instead we refer to our state of mind.
What are your needs, wants? What are you going to do next? Where do you want to go next and how long is the journey there?
These are the questions everyone wants answered so they have clarity or peace of mind. I don't really know the answers to any of these questions. It's that I haven't considered them, for I have on numerous occasions, but I always end up sleeping and forgetting.

I'm hoping my life plans will just fall into place. Maybe I'll be offered a job somewhere, meet a guy, fall in love and so on. I know it's not going to happen though.
I don't live in a fairytale, yet I am the authour of my own. I decide what I get to do in this life. And I have to go out and retrieve it. I'm not going to wait for everything to come to me. How do I know anything even is?
No, I'm going to go do it all myself. Of course I'll always have help and guidence, so that is no issue.

I'm not scared either. That made me laugh. For someone my age not to be frightened of the future or life now is rare. I know people who are well into their 30's and are still scared.
But everyone over 50 are just scared of death. I'm scared of that too. I want to leave my mark first. I want to give people someting to remember.
Perhaps these thoughts aren't enough, but maybe one day they'll be valuable.
I don't know.

And now it's time for me to sleep.
Kimberley Doreen x

Forced Sacrifice.

It's hard to live my life and experience these amazing opportunities being offered to me when I know people who are suffering.
The worst part is, the pain wasn't caused by anyone. It's not something that could've been prevented.
It's just one of life's bullshit happenings. That's all I can call it.

Maybe you could understand if it was happening to someone who deserved it. Who put others through the same amount of pain. Although, it is so wrong to wish bad things upon anyone.

It's really cruel of the world to tease. To show death to someone, then give them back life. Let them believe it's fully theirs again. Let them take back control, let them live it the second time through with a new understanding, then snatch it back.
Shove them in a small bed in a white room and let them lay there. Let them ask what they did wrong. Let them say their good-byes. Allow them to ponder death.
But for the second time.

What's the price?
A home?
A group of friends?
A family?
Because none of those seem to be worth enough.
Not enough for one life.

A hero doesn't have to be fit and strong.
They can be laying in a hospital bed dying.
And still, they save us all.
From our stupidity, from our naivity, from ourselves.

You didn't want to sacrifice yourself.
But you were chosen to.
You saved us.

Kimberley Doreen x

No. I Don't Want to be Beautiful.

The cold irony is that I'm in my bed right now, baggy pajamas, a runny nose and a hot, flushed face.
Hell, I'd give anything to be beautiful at this moment in time.
But then again, that would be such a waste. No one is in the room with me, no one would even see.
So, on that thought, these pajamas are actually quite comfortable.

I'm getting off track.

The thought about not wanting beauty came when I was reading the typical teenage magazine.
Both magazines I have with me now are ones that promote health, well-being and satisfaction with oneself.
So why the hell, when I open to a random page, do the magazines read;
"How to make yourself beautiful"
"Creating a gorgeous new you"
"Fashion that will impress the boys"

I don't want to waste my money on expensive beauty products.
I don't want to ask my mum if I can buy that $300 dress because it enhances my curves.
I don't want to create a new me. I'm happy with myself now.

You are beautiful. And if no one is telling you that, stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself.
(Yes I know, you'll feel like a total moron expecially if you get caught).
Just if you remember anything, remember that. Cause it's true.
Would I ever lie to you?

So no. Perhaps being beautiful isn't for me.
Perhaps I will invest in my future instead.
Or perhaps I will stand in front of my mirror and remind myself, I already am.

Kimberley Doreen x

Bursting Balloons

We run with a balloon tied to our hand.
When we stop, the balloon slowly comes to rest above us, stirring in the wind and threatening to float away if we don't hold it tightly. So we clutch onto the piece of string connecting us to that pretty little thing.
And we take off again. Running as fast as we can, pulling that balloon with us.

Hold on tightly and run fast. Avoid falling, it might cause you to graze your knees and burst your balloon.
Get there quickly, before the balloon shrinks in size, loses some of its beauty.
Because no one wants a sad looking balloon. What's the point in that?

Sometimes I like to lay down on my bed and look up at the floating beauty, bumping its head on the ceiling.
When I close my eyes however, and wake in the morning, my balloon is a little smaller and is floating a little less high.
Kimberley Doreen x

Decisions that decide us.

I find it hard to believe that our lives can change by one slight thought or decision made that very day.
For how can your whole life, your future, just simply shift and change direction because of one thing?
Some say it can't and doesn't.
The people who say this however, are the ones who are disappointed with their progress in life. The ones who wake in the morning with the same plan, that they have all intention of completing that day.
It figures.
For how can one's life change without the consent for it to?
The people who get up every morning, eat the same breakfast, carry out the same rituals, think along the same lines as they did the day before. Nothing new is entering their thoughts because nothing new is happening for an exciting thought to occur.

The people who are open for change, tend to grasp new ideas and opportunities.
This is ultimately the point that shifts our future once more.
The more times new opportunities are offered, the more times new ideas are created, the more times your future shifts.
And for better or for worse at that.

My future shifts every single day.
It's scary and exciting. But it's how I want to live my life.
Never knowing where I'm going to end up.

Kimberley Doreen x

Wise Words

"When you don't have with you, your phone, computer or any money and are travelling, you are truely free. And when I didn't have any of those, I picked up my bag and kept moving. Those were the best days of my life"
- A middle aged Finnish teacher living in Jalasjarvi, Finland.

When we were having this conversation, I wasn't really paying attention. I was playing with my food, trying to decide how much money I needed to go to Russia.
Ironic.
But when we finished speaking and I once again wondered around trying to find someone to talk to, it struck me what he had said. He struck me how he had said it.
He was so sad.
His eyes wern't watching me, they were reliving the past. His face was drawn in concentration and his voice was steady, like he was so sure he was right, that what he was saying was the true definition of freedom.

So in my time to dwell, I have pondered on his thoughts.
And I agree.
Lets leave tomorrow.