The Bears Can Dance and Sing

Leaning back in my swivel chair, attempting to keep warm on this cold winter's night, I can't help ponder what someone said to me recently.
It's no secret what they did indeed say - I suppose it just caught me off guard is all.

They said that inwardly, no matter how 'all-together' they appear to have it, they're actually deteriorating. It's like they're at a circus - that the acts performed at every show have been rehearsed - laughter and excitement almost expected from the onlooker. 

The more I think about it, the more I'm beginning to believe we're all similar. 

Some of us are the clowns - our identities hidden beneath a mask of white - encouraging ourselves that we ourselves will be happy if everyone around us are.

Some of us are the acrobats - taking a chance and leaping through the air - all in an attempt to prove 'we've got it in us', that we can do it given the chance.

Some of us are the lions - brought into a world and beaten until we follow the rules - subjected to a small cage backstage when all the guests have returned home for the night.

And the rest? The rest of us are the tightrope walkers - walking a fine line between imagination and reality - not knowing whether to let ourselves fall and hurt - feel -  or to continue attempting to perfectly balance all the elements in our lives. 

My conclusion, my gentle audience at home?

We're never leaving this circus.

So how about cheering each other on once in a while...a little encouragement.

Kimberley Doreen x

A Little Poetry to Start the Day.

‘The feeling of existing only within yourself is suffocating.

It is as though you are under water, unable to surface.

To see the light, to see people; yet remain unable to communicate;

To express, to feel; is to die.

Truly die.

It is to slowly wither and decay within yourself; facing the most

Hideous death of all’

October to April - May to September.

The rain will come, the rivers will fill,
we'll get swept away downstream like we planned.
When we were small, it would carry us,
remove the land beneath our feet, yet we still stand.

Stand on our definition of life,
stand on our dreams,
stand on our hopes, thoughts, wants and needs.
But then we fall, fall down hard.

The river dries up, the water is gone,
We'll walk downstream now, need to get there.
Now we are grown, we need to arrive,
the sky above us is dark, our hearts so bare.

Bare are our hearts,
bare is our mind,
bare is the river, the flow of mankind
Then we dance, the rain dance,

And the rain comes, and it pours.
The rivers fill and so do our plans.

The Night Is Alive, So Alive.

The tall buildings around me stand proudly, their lights telling of the long night ahead and what to expect from it. People walk past happily, some stumbling, some holding another hand in their own and others alone, focused on arriving at their next destination safely.
I sit quietly and watch.
The breeze wraps itself around me slowly, intoxicating me with it's breath of life. I let it. I close my eyes and remove myself from the conversation I am involuntarily having. In the distance I hear a sweet voice. I open my eyes and excuse myself, making my way to the curb. Standing ahead of me, a man sings to anyone who will listen. He sings of love, life, the world.
Everyone continues to walk.
The lights behind the man change colour, from green to orange to red. I stand there, watching.
Behind me, I hear an argument starting. I turn and make my way back to my friends slowly. They have all stopped their conversation and are watching the fight start. I'm still watching the man.
The lights continue to change colour.
Everyone stops and begins to watch the fight.
The man continues to sing.
Oh, the irony, is too much to comprehend. I breathe deeply. The voice, listen to the voice. Listen to the life being created, spoken, sung. Listen to the sweet, sweet voice of reason. No one but me does.
People prefer to watch a fight, argument, war rather than a revolution.
God save us. God save us all.

This is my homework. Done.

The day is dark. My mood is dark. My thoughts are dark. The ocean is angry. I am angry. The sand is being thrown around by the wind. I don't really notice. I pick up a shell and throw it. They aren't pretty today, not today. I want them away from me.
It starts raining. I curse. Of course it rains. I get up and jog along the sand. I stumble, but keep going. I walk up the boardwalk and duck into the trees. Great. Perfect.
"Anything else?!"
I look around. The trees shiver. I shiver. I peer down the dark, deserted track, and then start walking down it. I'm sheltered, but not entirely. A rain droplet rolls down my forehead, I let it drip off.
"Wow, great, great. What next? Please. Please, give me something".
I laugh. I can't stop. I just laugh. My clothes are saturated now, but I don't care anymore. I continue walking in the rain. Okay, it's okay.
I get to the main road. People look at me questioningly. I smile at them and keep walking. I get on the next train that comes and sit there humming to myself. Where am I going? I don't know. Somewhere. I squeeze my clothes and water runs off. The train stops and a few people get on. I look up after a few minutes, and I see a young man looking at me smiling.
The day is light. My mood is light. My thoughts are light.
"Hey"
"Hello"

Untitled - A very short, sad story.

We're walking together, hand in hand, in a crowd that engulfs us with its size. You turn to look at me and smile, oh that smile, it's so beautiful to see. You look away laughing to yourself, I pull you closer. We walk like that for a while, you pressing against my side, my hand and yours intertwined. As we continue, I peer down and see a coin, I let go momentarily. When I stand back up you're gone. I can see you no longer. I shout for you, but you're already lost somewhere in the crowd. People glance at me, they don't care. No one does. I drop the coin, and go in search of your hand which I mistakenly let go.

The crowd disperses, and yet still you are no where to be seen. I try to call , but then hang up when I remember you telling me how your phone was dying - how you didn't care. You told me it was okay because I got your full attention. We laughed.
I'm not laughing now.
Where are you? I think. I can't think. I sit. I stand. I feel sick. I try to drink, but my throat closes up. I can't, I can't.

I remember now. I remember where you are. I walk quickly, my palms sweaty. I clench and unclench my fist - your palm belongs there. The path is small as it avoids the stones that are scattered here. I've found you at last. I knew you would be here. Ever since I lost you the very first time, I always return here to look for you, and you prove me right every time. I kneel down and run my hands along where you lie. I've missed you. I will aways miss you.

What Do I Say?

It's so hard to sit back and watch someone torture themselves for other people.
Crafting their outer-being to suit other people's ideal person. The perfect person.
Been there, done that that.

But how can I tell you this without making myself look so naive? So silly?
Of course I wanted to be perfect once-upon-a-time, then I realized that no one really is perfect.
I use to be the kid in the corner, with their head bent to their hands, wondering how to proceed in life. Calculating every flaw that my next decision would involve, and considering what other people would think.
Why did I care so much? I had what many of the others didn't - indivduality.
You have it too.

Maybe I should tell you my history, it might snap you out of this hypnotic transe you're in
You're perfect to me. Sometimes I look at you and tell myself that you must be one of the happiest people around, you have everything good in your life. Everything motivating you to live a great life.
So why do you question yourself and put yourself through this torture?



Please stop. I can't watch anymore. I'll help you if you want, but please. No more.
Kimberley Doreen x

One of Those Days

Do you ever have those days where you allow yourself to believe everything will be just fine?
Those blissfully happy days, where you trust fate and turn yourself in?
It's honestly the best feeling you can have.
It allows you a little more freedom, a little more "piece of mind".

I actually love these days because I feel like I have all the answers.
Not about the world, but even better; about my life.
I can start to dream again, I can act like a child again. No longer do I need to take control, for my future will be fine. Everything will be fine. I can relax!

It doesn't matter what the weather's like outdoors. It doesn't matter who I'm with. It doesn't even matter where I am.
The only thing that matters is that I can smile and enjoy life, even if it is for that blissfull one day.
That's a gift. And one I intend to pass on.

Kimberley Doreen x

Now I've Noticed.

How long does one remain under-appreciated?
For as long as you let them remain that way.

Now I realize how much you do for me.
Thanks Mum.
Kimberley Doreen x

Past vs. Present

Face pressed against the white towel, I breathe deeply, trying to inhale as much salty air as I can before my next. I turn my face to the side and look out at the crystals bouncing on the water's surface, blinking twice to re-adjust my eyes to the sudden increase of light.
This is the moment where I forget last night's happenings and instead focus on where I currently am.
I should have done that this morning, but instead my mind was still locked on the ideas of yesterday. Well, not anymore.


Heat finds me, even though it has to pass through at least two layers of clothing. I smile quietly to myself.
The warmth offered is accepted gratefully, although the possibility of sunburn is rejected politly.
Now, today.

Have you ever heard the saying, that if the body experiences the same thing enough, your body syncs the same actions automatically?
We wake everyday without fail, and most of the time we repeat the same thing we did yesterday. Perhaps a slow stretch and a quick yawn or maybe our face muscles tightening in response to our alarm's loud sharp ring.
Our muscles remember, our bodies remember.
So this already sets us up for fail. Right? I mean if we already wake doing the same thing as yesterday, of course our minds are going to remember the thoughts that followed, and then the experiences witnessed and the experiences in which we participated.
This means that we're already thinking about yesterday instead of what's happening now.
Our past reigns over our future.

Just take time to relax and forget yesterday, for you're already living tomorrow.
Kimberley Doreen x

The Song We Write

The outlandish music playing in the background of every serious moment that happens in life, is created by our focused minds. It's trying to remind us of our current condition, if not the fact that we don't want to be in the situation we're in.
The reason why it's outlandish music, is because it actually manages to grab our attention, even if we simply ask ourselves, "what is that horrid noise". Yes, truth is our thoughts can be sometimes what we hate most about ourselves, because you can never actually silence them.
No matter how many times you re-arrange yourself in preperation for sleep, or how many times you find yourself writing things that don't really capture the way you feel, your thoughts are still there.
The music still plays.

But, that music is soothing. After a while, we stop concentrating on the insistive thud that's meant to be the bass, or the out-of-time eerie bell chime that's meant to make the song what it is, but instead we begin to focus on the lyrical content.
It's often poetic, telling us of what we must do next, reminding us that life goes on, and re-assuring us that we still have faith. It's enough to send us into the relaxed state we're in when we wake, realizing only later that we must have fallen asleep to it.

So as you see, we all actually send ourselves into the depths of sleep.
Although we do it asking questions and answering them, often with-in the same hour if not minute.
When you hear the music play, embrace it. Feel the beat and listen closely to the lyrics, because it's you reminding yourself what you're here for. And how long you have to go.

Kimberley Doreen x

Stop Being Immature and Grow-Up. No.

As you get older, you grow and mature. At least that's what everyone says anyway.
For a long time I fought the growth and refused to accept the fact I was maturing, clinging desperatly onto my old ways of life. I'm too young to grow and mature just yet, after all. But for that time when I was refusing, I was also awakening.
Awakening to everything around me. My new way of life. When I was younger, certain things didn't exist, for the simple reason that I didn't know about them. Ignorance, they call it.
And maybe it was better that way.
I wouldn't know that the pretty stars, are actually just suns.
I wouldn't know about global warming, only that it was getting hotter.
I wouldn't know why we have war, only that people were fighting somewhere.
I wouldn't know how people die, only that God took them.
I wouldn't know about anything that doesn't effect me.
That's what they call selfishness.

I still don't know what it's called.
Perhaps it's called youth.
Kimberley Doreen x

Our Oldies

We didn't understand why they were crying before,
But now our heads are bents to our hands, letting the tears finally run.
The people surrounding us are simply our portrait, framed in the past.
They're playing charades, but they're acting out something we've already found the answer to.
It's not their fault, they're just stuck playing a game we quit a while ago.
Soon they will be where we are now, in the midst of reality. But for now, they can remain in the safe heaven of resistance they have built, and have been led to believe is solid.

Soon they will know, Soon they will know.
Kimberley Doreen x

Tough Questions

There's always those moments in life when we ask ourselves where we are.
Not geographical location of course, for that can be answered pretty much without thought these days due to the advanced technology we use.
But no, instead we refer to our state of mind.
What are your needs, wants? What are you going to do next? Where do you want to go next and how long is the journey there?
These are the questions everyone wants answered so they have clarity or peace of mind. I don't really know the answers to any of these questions. It's that I haven't considered them, for I have on numerous occasions, but I always end up sleeping and forgetting.

I'm hoping my life plans will just fall into place. Maybe I'll be offered a job somewhere, meet a guy, fall in love and so on. I know it's not going to happen though.
I don't live in a fairytale, yet I am the authour of my own. I decide what I get to do in this life. And I have to go out and retrieve it. I'm not going to wait for everything to come to me. How do I know anything even is?
No, I'm going to go do it all myself. Of course I'll always have help and guidence, so that is no issue.

I'm not scared either. That made me laugh. For someone my age not to be frightened of the future or life now is rare. I know people who are well into their 30's and are still scared.
But everyone over 50 are just scared of death. I'm scared of that too. I want to leave my mark first. I want to give people someting to remember.
Perhaps these thoughts aren't enough, but maybe one day they'll be valuable.
I don't know.

And now it's time for me to sleep.
Kimberley Doreen x

Forced Sacrifice.

It's hard to live my life and experience these amazing opportunities being offered to me when I know people who are suffering.
The worst part is, the pain wasn't caused by anyone. It's not something that could've been prevented.
It's just one of life's bullshit happenings. That's all I can call it.

Maybe you could understand if it was happening to someone who deserved it. Who put others through the same amount of pain. Although, it is so wrong to wish bad things upon anyone.

It's really cruel of the world to tease. To show death to someone, then give them back life. Let them believe it's fully theirs again. Let them take back control, let them live it the second time through with a new understanding, then snatch it back.
Shove them in a small bed in a white room and let them lay there. Let them ask what they did wrong. Let them say their good-byes. Allow them to ponder death.
But for the second time.

What's the price?
A home?
A group of friends?
A family?
Because none of those seem to be worth enough.
Not enough for one life.

A hero doesn't have to be fit and strong.
They can be laying in a hospital bed dying.
And still, they save us all.
From our stupidity, from our naivity, from ourselves.

You didn't want to sacrifice yourself.
But you were chosen to.
You saved us.

Kimberley Doreen x

No. I Don't Want to be Beautiful.

The cold irony is that I'm in my bed right now, baggy pajamas, a runny nose and a hot, flushed face.
Hell, I'd give anything to be beautiful at this moment in time.
But then again, that would be such a waste. No one is in the room with me, no one would even see.
So, on that thought, these pajamas are actually quite comfortable.

I'm getting off track.

The thought about not wanting beauty came when I was reading the typical teenage magazine.
Both magazines I have with me now are ones that promote health, well-being and satisfaction with oneself.
So why the hell, when I open to a random page, do the magazines read;
"How to make yourself beautiful"
"Creating a gorgeous new you"
"Fashion that will impress the boys"

I don't want to waste my money on expensive beauty products.
I don't want to ask my mum if I can buy that $300 dress because it enhances my curves.
I don't want to create a new me. I'm happy with myself now.

You are beautiful. And if no one is telling you that, stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself.
(Yes I know, you'll feel like a total moron expecially if you get caught).
Just if you remember anything, remember that. Cause it's true.
Would I ever lie to you?

So no. Perhaps being beautiful isn't for me.
Perhaps I will invest in my future instead.
Or perhaps I will stand in front of my mirror and remind myself, I already am.

Kimberley Doreen x

Bursting Balloons

We run with a balloon tied to our hand.
When we stop, the balloon slowly comes to rest above us, stirring in the wind and threatening to float away if we don't hold it tightly. So we clutch onto the piece of string connecting us to that pretty little thing.
And we take off again. Running as fast as we can, pulling that balloon with us.

Hold on tightly and run fast. Avoid falling, it might cause you to graze your knees and burst your balloon.
Get there quickly, before the balloon shrinks in size, loses some of its beauty.
Because no one wants a sad looking balloon. What's the point in that?

Sometimes I like to lay down on my bed and look up at the floating beauty, bumping its head on the ceiling.
When I close my eyes however, and wake in the morning, my balloon is a little smaller and is floating a little less high.
Kimberley Doreen x

Decisions that decide us.

I find it hard to believe that our lives can change by one slight thought or decision made that very day.
For how can your whole life, your future, just simply shift and change direction because of one thing?
Some say it can't and doesn't.
The people who say this however, are the ones who are disappointed with their progress in life. The ones who wake in the morning with the same plan, that they have all intention of completing that day.
It figures.
For how can one's life change without the consent for it to?
The people who get up every morning, eat the same breakfast, carry out the same rituals, think along the same lines as they did the day before. Nothing new is entering their thoughts because nothing new is happening for an exciting thought to occur.

The people who are open for change, tend to grasp new ideas and opportunities.
This is ultimately the point that shifts our future once more.
The more times new opportunities are offered, the more times new ideas are created, the more times your future shifts.
And for better or for worse at that.

My future shifts every single day.
It's scary and exciting. But it's how I want to live my life.
Never knowing where I'm going to end up.

Kimberley Doreen x

Wise Words

"When you don't have with you, your phone, computer or any money and are travelling, you are truely free. And when I didn't have any of those, I picked up my bag and kept moving. Those were the best days of my life"
- A middle aged Finnish teacher living in Jalasjarvi, Finland.

When we were having this conversation, I wasn't really paying attention. I was playing with my food, trying to decide how much money I needed to go to Russia.
Ironic.
But when we finished speaking and I once again wondered around trying to find someone to talk to, it struck me what he had said. He struck me how he had said it.
He was so sad.
His eyes wern't watching me, they were reliving the past. His face was drawn in concentration and his voice was steady, like he was so sure he was right, that what he was saying was the true definition of freedom.

So in my time to dwell, I have pondered on his thoughts.
And I agree.
Lets leave tomorrow.

Life Lessons.

I'm tired of this silence.
I want some noise.

I'm sick of this solitude.
I want some company.

I'm annoyed at how you act.
I am no alien.

I'm scared of how long this will continue.
I want it to stop.

Sometimes it's not up to others to brake the silence, but you.